Just Do the Thing You Said You Would (note to self)

Let me tell you what I’ve been up to since I decided I should blog 500 words a day as a warm-up for working on my book:

1. I have started taking a language course on Duolingo. Each day I spend at least 45 minutes practicing to speak Zulu. I’ve been learning to speak Zulu’s sister language, Xhosa, since I moved back to Cape Town a year ago. Unfortunately, I have not found enough free online resources to learn it without spending money. I figured that learning Zulu via Duolingo will help me with Xhosa, and you know what? It’s been working! I’m lucky I have plenty of opportunity to practice. Did this endeavour have to start right at the time I’m supposed to be writing? Of course it did.

2. I’m designing the items I’m adding to my winter wardrobe this year. I do not enjoy buying clothes. Not because I don’t like to wear beautiful clothing, but because I just don’t like what’s in the shops. So, every season, I design and sew a few items to add to my wardrobe. For this summer I made two pairs of shorts, a halter neck dress, a strappy beach dress and a cheongsam. Isn’t now, when I’m meant to be blogging, the perfect time to think of what I’m going to sew to keep me warm in winter? Of course it is. 

3. As a maths tutor, I have a fascination with numbers. I am intrigued by the beauty of maths in nature – the ratios, the symmetry, the patterns. I’ve recently developed an interest in the history of maths, particularly in the ancient expression of units and value. Would now, when I’m supposed to be blogging, be the best time to go down the rabbit-hole of the use of the ancient Egyptian number system? Absolutely!

This is not even a complete list. There are capsicum seeds that need planting, and I might as well try and propagate the macadamia seed I’ve been avoiding planting, because I’m scared it might not grow. And my scarf drawer is a jumble again, it needs sorting out too.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I teeter a tightrope, tipping between disappointment at not doing what I set out to do and satisfaction with the other things I’m doing. At some point (like now) I know that the imbalance will increase and the threat of falling into my safety net of imposter syndrome will become a reality. What usually happens then is, I waste time doing some top-quality wallowing, then pick myself back up again, and start all over. 

I had hoped this time would be different. That I’d just get on with what I promised myself I’d do. I am eternal optimist, so I know that even if I don’t succeed with getting myself in the habit of writing daily right at this moment, whatever I’ve learned from the mistakes I make now will help me do it better next time round.

But maybe, just maybe, I should swap out the unsteadiness of the tightrope for the consistency of a good old balancing beam that’s no more than thirty centimetres off the ground.